Musings on Life: He was a multiple Oscar winner; I was a dog walker...

To tell you the truth, he was one of my favourite celebrities. But I was still emotionally distraught, having attempted suicide on a bridge not a day before. I just stared at him. What was he doing here?

 I know about Hollywood North and that a lot of actors come here to become low on the radar. But in a psyche ward? I had dated an actor who knew his older brother. My ex had told me that he had suffered from bipolar and had multiple run-ins with publicity, photographers, and being famous in general. He didn't medicate his bipolar, like I did. I was told that it added an extra edge to his acting and the characters he was sinking into.

 Truth be told, he was one of the greatest actors Hollywood had ever seen. I had a lot of respect for him, but I could not understand how we were in this together. It still mystifies me. He didn't talk much; he watched tv day and night. I took in visitors and they held me up while I had nothing to give. I was extremely fragile.

 For months I had been bipolar high and living without taking some of my pills. I had bouts of non stop talking, sleepless nights and I thought everything was a sign for me to notice and add huge spiritual meaning to.  I had also obsessed about several celebrities.

 He's Irish in origin. I recognized one of the patients that I had met before. I struck up a conversation. I remembered that he had met Bono at an Oscar party for the Irish. The actor's ears perked up and he listened intently though he did not say a word. I bet he had been at that party...

 I put one of the actor's movies on the table, to see if he would react. The next day it was gone. The movie had been missing anyways, but his picture was on the other side.  He also had the old tattoo on his arm. It was him, guaranteed. I talked about a poet friend of his, Charles Bukowski, to my friends. The actor had been close friends with him and went to his funeral. I saw his reaction at the mention of Bukowski's name. I didn't need any more proof. But I kept his bluff. Everyone needs their privacy in a place like that.

 As the week went on I improved with daily visits from family and friends. I was very lucky. When I was leaving the ward for another one, I talked to him a bit, finally. I told him who I thought he was and he just bluffed. He was actually using a voice from one of his shows he had done. A little higher than usual. I didn't care. I knew in my heart of hearts it was him.

In hindsight, I have the hugest respect for you, though I may not have appreciated your bluff at the time. I was suffering from the dishonesty in my life and I wanted someone to tell me the truth...What I found out was, the people I had idolized for years were vulnerable, like me. And my family and friends filled that hospital room with comforting words. They were the real rock stars.

The actor is now doing selfless work in Haiti for those who are homeless and living in refugee camps. This guy is pretty, damn, special. And I thank you, Sean...

I've met Prince Harry, or was it 'Rory'?

I've got a lot of questions. For many years I just accepted life as, well, just life. But these last 10 years have been the most fascinating, to date. Confusing, exciting, overwhelming, but fascinating.

Like a lot of people, I wanted to be famous and known for being cool. Or something like that. Maybe it's insecurity, maybe it's a need to be loved, I'm not sure. I've never really gone along with the crowd. You wear black, I'll wear white. You listen to rock, I'll put on my country. You listen to country, I'll put on my rock. Just don't ask me to fit in. If I do, it's by fluke. I'm not sure if I've ever fit in anywhere. Probably a case of Groucho Marx, I would never belong to a club that would let me in. Deep down, I don't think I deserve to be....I think that is what it comes down to. You can go into my psyche and look at the representation of death, loss, self esteem or not enough lollipops or whatever. But I"ve never really felt worthy. To this day, I'm not sure if it's saved me or kept me away from life's good side... A lot of good has come my way, that I seem to banish from my life.

After my fiance and I broke up, I moved into a place with my best friend, Diane. And I thought, well, time to build my life again. A very curious thing happened...I began to write poetry after years and I decided on a whim to show up at an open mike. It was about April/May 2004. T. Paul Saint Marie was the host at Cafe Montmart, Vancouver each Sunday and he welcomed me into Thundering Word Heard. That first time was like a high I had never experienced before. Hours later, my heart was still pounding as I went over the night again and again in my head. And I was hooked.

I believe on my second visit, I did a poem I had written years ago about Princess Diana, after she had died. I couldn't tell you why. Perhaps because I had lost my own mother at a young age, or because I saw her headlines in the store I worked at every day. I never read about her, but she was on every cover each week, looking stunning and graceful. A real princess, indeed. So, when she died, I felt compelled to write a poem about her and walk down to the embassy and add it to the stack of flowers and notes there. That was it. I didn't even watch the funeral. I hate funerals. I didn't want to support the media frenzy that had contributed to her death.

So, I decided to look at my past poems and do this one about Diana. I kind of talked to her on stage as though she was there-- mumbled something and looked up. That's kind of all I remember, and thought nothing of it.

Not too long afterwards, I was in a bike accident with a car. I had been feeling more adventurous lately, and had just bought a book about biking in the Fraser Valley. The accident stopped that as I grew to fear biking like never before. I felt that I was targeted for reason's explained in my last blog. The driver made me feel uncomfortable. But he begged me not to go to ICBC. I relented and said, to just re-imburse me the cash. I spent a day or two in a lot of pain, but it wasn't too bad.

I decided to turn this wrong into a right. I would plant a garden with most of the money he had given me. And so I did. I called up a guy in the neighborhood who I had talked to while dog walking. He had his own landscaping business and I thought it would be neat to give him some work and make my lovely garden. He agreed and I gave him free reign. But a funny thing occurred the day of the garden work.

I woke up to a commotion in the back yard. Suddenly, my landlords were there all happy and flustered, at about 8am. The yard seemed to be full of a few people. I was tired and went back to bed, not sure what all the fuss was about. I got up later and checked the computer as I always did when I got up. For some reason, I saw a story about Prince Harry being in Africa on some sort of work/sabbatical. I believe he was then establishing Forget=me=not, his charity for orphaned children in Lesotho.

I looked closely at the picture, and thought of the poem that I had just done about his mother. I didn't think much more of it. I noticed the guy working in my garden, all by himself, kind of pushing dirt around. I think I changed, and then came out to talk to him. But...this guy looked exactly like, the picture I'd just seen on the computer, that being, the one and only, Prince Harry! What??????

I was depressed, groggy, and insecure. And here was this cute guy, spitting image of the Prince of England in my garden, wanting to talk to me. What???? I think I stammered a few words, Would you like a drink? Would you like some lunch? He seemed to be just as awkward as I was. It probably didn't help matters, I was wearing my PEACE THE FUCK OUT shirt from Travis, the band I had watched and met the lead singer of. I thought, 'well, whoever you are, I will be back later and then we can really chat. I've got to walk dogs now.' And that was it. I left the house and there seemed to be a lot of traffic. And the day carried on as normal, though some strangers asked me what my shirt said.

When I came home, he was gone. I was surprised as the garden still needed to be planted and stuff. I never saw him afterwards, but I was questioned about him by a client who knew the landscape owner. It was all pretty strange. I didn't tell her my thoughts or anything. I would just sound crazy. Afterwards, I kept seeing pics of the Princes of England and tried to ignore it, feeling a little weird feeling each time. It has always perplexed me...

Last year, on a camping trip, a friend revealed to me that the Prince's of England knew who I was and that they cared....I thought, holly crap, so that was him? I am humbled and a little perplexed. I don't get it. I"ve never really gotten it. But on a bad day, when I am feeling not so hot, sometimes, I think of 'Rory', and I get a thoughtful feeling. Was that him, and if so, why? And if so, holy crap, if only I had my shit together back then, and been a little friendlier.

You be the judge. Everyone else seems to know more about my life than I do...but that is another blog...Sweet dreams...